Sheriff blames budget cuts, State attorney Vows to prosecute, Mayor appoints Monster Czar
According to researchers at NEFAR a significant number of Jacksonville area homes are sold to families with children. The spike in deals killed for fear of monsters is not exclusive to families with children, however the Mayors Monster Czar has declared that every child’s bedroom in Jacksonville be a designated Monster Free Zone!
Buyers fear the MONSTER HOUSE!
City Council has exhausted its energy during the Great Chicken Debate, so no Monster ordinance is expected. The City Attorney has expressed concerns that Monsters may be a protected class and has cautioned the Mayor against taking any action. The Mayor was comfortable with taking no action, but was available for photos with any Monsters who are registered to vote.
The responsibility for ensuring that your home is Monster Free falls to you the individual citizen. It is the American way. That being said, you likely lack the sophisticated and expensive equipment to search for Monsters. I understand, it’s not your fault, but for the sake of the children, your home must be Certified Monster Free!
Without government funding or the promise of political favor I, Wally Conway, President of Residential Inspector of America, do solemnly swear to Certify Monster Free every child’s bedroom that is inspected by Residential Inspector of America.
Are there MONSTERS under YOUR bed?
But wait…there’s more! When your home is inspected by Residential Inspector of America it will be Certified Monster Free AND a Monster Free Guarantee will be issued. And a 5 Year Roof Protection Plan because roof leaks lead to monsters in your attic!
Your Monster Free Guarantee comes with a certificate suitable for framing. To ensure no Monsters visit your home you need only hang the certificate on your wall. You are entitled to as many certificates as you may need to ensure every member of your household has the peace of mind they need to sleep well through the night, every night, from for as long as you own your home!
And when it’s time to sell your home, the Monster Free Certification is transferable. Be sure to include that feature in the MLS!
CAUTION-BEWARE: There are Monsters masking as home inspectors making false claims of experience with Monsters, offering a Monster Free Certification and a Monster Free Guarantee. You would never hire a fox to guard a hen house, likewise you should never hire a Monster to do a Monster Free Certification. This service is a RIA exclusive. Offers from all others are bogus. The imposters are likely Monsters!
Is Your Home Inspector a Deal Killing MONSTER?
But wait….there’s more! Because of the advanced Infrared Cameras and other sophisticated equipment used by Residential Inspector of America there is no wiggle words used to exclude Aliens, Raptors or Zombies. No other company includes these creatures or even has the courage to search for them!
Your customers will love you for recommending Residential Inspector of America because they provide peace of mind by taking away their fears of buying the money pit. Together we can put an end to Monsters killing deals in Jacksonville.
Finally and most importantly, your home will be eligible for an 18 MONTH HOME Warranty AND you can choose your own contractor because as you know the contractors sent by the skimpy 12 month warranty companies are REAL MONSTERS!